Emotional Bonsai

I have a confession to make, I use to be an emotional bonsai. This is not to be mistaken for being a lukewarm or cold Christian, I was just small in my emotional depth, if not completely lacking. I was a fairly pleasant person, but emotionally small. Never too angry, or too happy, or too excited, too compassionate, everything was proportional and quite measured. What I didn't understand was that my experiences were small...bonsai.

I have seen a ten year old apple tree in a three gallon pot that looked perfect. It had beautiful flowers and a wonderfully proportioned trunk and perfectly trained and formed branches. It even gave edible apples in season, but this tree stood 18-24 inches tall. It really was amazing. This was not a pygmy tree or an unusually small variety of apple tree, this was a garden variety tree that would have been a least ten feet tall if it had a normal life growing in an orchard.

So what makes a bonsai? Pruning the top part of the tree has some bearing on the size of the tree, but the real trick to keeping it small (bonsai) is in the roots. The roots have to be pruned and contained. Restrict the roots and you keep the tree from growing to normal size. The life is in the roots. See any parallel to emotional and spiritual growth? My roots were pruned and contained early in life. It was all I knew and I might have stayed that way.

Personally, my lack of growth was due to being emotionally stunted at a very young age. I will not offer details other than I did not receive what I needed when I was very young. By the time I was thirty, I started to figure out that I was a little different. I felt like I was always watching and never really connecting. I didn't cry and my responses to emotional hurt or joy was a measured intellectual response of sadness or laughter. I really didn't feel anything deeply till God changed me.

Eight years ago during a very deep crisis of faith, God healed and changed me. It has been the single most significant event in my life. It truly was like being born again. The person I used to be is no longer. Today, I feel and respond without trying to figure out how. Life is sooo different now than before.

A year before I was healed I was hurting. I wanted to run and quit church, quit my marriage, and start all over. I was suffering and I told God to "change me or my circumstances, but I needed change!!" It was a hard year and I nearly walk away from God, friends, and my wife of fifteen years. Though she loved me dearly, my wife didn't like me much that year. I wasn't a very nice person to live with for most of that year. Though I didn't see it, God used that year to prepare my heart for dramatic change. When I came to the end of myself, I was ready.

During a special church service I was prayed over by the guest speaker and I couldn't stay standing (did carpet time). When I hit the floor, I felt a love and a joy I had not felt before. I began to laugh and laugh and laugh. It emotionally felt like my Father in Heaven was blowing bubbles on my tummy, like a father does to his little laughing baby. I was loved!!! After many sessions of much laughter and joy, I knew that I knew of my Father's deep..deep love for me and from there I started to grow.

It is eight years later and I am still maturing. The laughter has cooled but the joy remains. I'm a bigger tree with much deeper roots and growing fruit. My marriage is stronger and I cry at Disney movies and feel compassion when I see another's pain. I am a loved son of the Father, and over the past few years He has brought me more and more into His business to love people. I find it difficult to otherwise explain what happened to me other than "I was blind and now I see," and I was lame and now I can walk.

Suffering and feeling compassion towards others is now an opportunity for my roots to grow and reach for the deep things in God. I will not say that I am always ready to choose suffering, but I hear God's voice beckoning and encouraging me to trust and send my roots deeper still into Him. I love Him and I will follow. I choose to go on and be healed and be whole. I am no longer an emotional bonsai, I am free to grow.

This has been my story, but we all have fears and hurts that keep us from growing. I know that our Father God wants to help us all to be more than we can ever imagine. His love, His mercy, and His grace are always there to help us grow. Its true, believe it!

Pneumatikos Charisma

I believe in the spiritual gifts as stated in 1Corinthians 12 and that they are available to us today. The listed gifts (and there are others) are words of wisdom, words of knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, prophecy, discernment of spirits, tongues, and interpretation of tongues (1Cor 12:8-10). The following verses (1Cor 12:12-30) then likens those so gifted as parts of a body. If this is so and you still do not believe in the present availability of these gifts, then I would ask (along with the author/pastor A.W. Tozer), "which body part does the Body of Christ not need?" The Apostle Paul defends them all, and sees each gift as necessary to the body.

I want to encourage all those reading this blog to earnestly desire these gifts (1Cor 12:31). The Apostle Paul states in 1Cor 12:6 that God works the varieties of effects (gifts) in all people and that these gifts are distributed to us as the Spirit wills (1Cor 12:11). These gifts are available to all of us, but we must believe. Without belief in them how are we going to have the faith to express them (Mat 21:21)?

In the original Greek language the gifts as explained in 1Cor 12 are pneumatikos charisma. This means spiritual grace gifts. So, the gifts are supplied through the Holy Spirit and are given freely (by grace). It becomes clear then that the gifts are by nature a product of grace. This is important because it shows the underlying importance in believing, walking, and growing in grace.

Jesus states "Freely you have received, freely give" (Mat 10:8). I translate it this way, freely you have been gifted, freely give the gifts. This is the nature of grace, free gifts which supply free opportunities for change. We did not earn these gifts and neither can those who receive them. To earn them or be required to earn them is unbelief in grace and the gift, and a hindrance to their manifestation.

The demonstration of the gifts requires then to believe in them and act on that belief (show faith). The faith required to believe in grace is actually the fruition (flower) of grace. Remember, faith is the manifestation of what you believe in your heart (Heb 11:1). As we grow in grace expect that fruit (spiritual gifts) will (super)naturally manifest as we act (show faith) on each opportunity (grace) that is given to us by the Holy Spirit. As Jesus said, "these signs shall accompany those who believe..." (Mark 16:17-18).

Grace to Serve

I read today a news article about a four year old boy who was roughed-up a little during a major league baseball game. It seems that a twenty-eight year old man was more interested in obtaining a foul ball that dropped right in front of the four year old than in the little boy's well being. In the process of getting the ball, the man muscled his way around the little boy. The whole event was apparently captured on television. The man was booed by the stadium crowd and even his companions left the game early. Still, the man kept the ball. To the benefit of the four year old, several of the baseball players gave the little boy baseball bats and autographed baseballs to make up for the lost ball.

This outpouring to the four year old was cool to see, but what was of interest to me was the young man. It seems that the news agencies found out who the man was. Apparently, the young man was a Christian, and a former youth pastor to boot. The people who knew him said he was a "nice guy", and that he must of just "lost his head in the excitement." An event that would of been ignored, a four year old recovering a baseball, became a national covered event because of a seemingly selfish moment. I wonder what the man is thinking about all this now? Was is worth it?

I am not above getting "caught in the moment," and I too find myself tarnished in such moments. So, what do I do to recover from such moments. Well, after I go through denial, anger, depression, and acceptance, I humble myself and ask for forgiveness. For instance, after yelling at the "jerk" who recklessly cut me off in traffic, I try to justify my behavior (needlessly angry). First I tell God its not my fault I'm angry, then I get angry that I'm angry, then I get depressed that I got angry again (2nd time that morning), then I find myself saying something like the following. "Dear Lord, I'm mad and I shouldn't be. Please help me be more patient with those around me. Help that person in front of me be a more careful driver and help them safely get to where they are going." I choose to lay down my rights and accept that I would rather be right in Christ than self righteous.

As a believer I have been given the opportunity (the grace) to lay down my rights (entitlements) and be like Christ (humble for starters). "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all" (Mark 9:35). This is how Jesus has ask us to live. Everywhere we go, and this is hard, we are being asked of God to serve those around us whether or not we approve of them. As servants we lay down our rights (judgments, entitlements) in order that others may see and experience Christ.

I willingly choose this servant-like behavior because of the love that God has shown me and placed in my heart. Every day his grace gives me new opportunity and freedom to serve others. Because of His love for me, I am being transformed into being like Christ, a liberated servant.

Mercy

I am sure you have heard people say "what goes around, comes around" or "you reap what you sow." The bible talks about reaping and sowing, but with mercy you are not reaping what you sow. Instead of reaping punishment for a "bad act" (sin), you do not reap at all. This is a very important to the operation of grace.

Mercy allows us to live freely in grace because we are not required to fix or pay back every bad choice we make. If we had to pay for the damage of every bad spiritual choice we made, we would wind up spending all our time in bondage trying to fix our mistakes. Life would simply become unbearable, because we would wind up living under an endless burden of guilt and shame. Mercy releases us from our burdens and allows us to pursue a fresh start with little spiritual baggage (guilt) to carry. With mercy we are able to take advantage of the new opportunities given to us by grace.

The parable that Jesus taught in Matthew 18:21-35 reminds us to live in mercy and forgiveness. By showing others mercy we ourselves reaffirm belief in God's mercy in and through us. When we show mercy we then open up new possibilities for God's grace to bring change into our lives and the lives of those receiving mercy. This parable shows us that God expects and requires us to be merciful as believers in Christ, not to do so will throw us into the terrible bondage of retribution.

As I close, I am reminded of what Jesus said in Matthew 5:7. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." Go and be blessed.

From Yuck to Glory

I didn't sleep well last night. After I got up (5:30am), I got dressed for work, bowed my head and...... vomited into the toilet for five minutes. Not a graceful way to start the day...and yet, God's love for me has not changed. How I feel doesn't affect God's perfect love for me, my feeling sick only challenges my heart to trust Him. I am reminded of this passage (2Cor 4:16)from the Apostle Paul "though our outer man is decaying, our inner man is being renewed day by day." Choosing to trust God (and His love) through these light affictions is for me a day by day training ground. Today I remind myself that 1. God loves me. 2. My body will die someday. 3. Today is as good a day as any to tell God that I love Him and will trust him with my life.

This is hard work (exercise)choosing to trust God when I feel abandoned to sickness, but I choose to believe in the steadfast grace he has for me despite my circumstance. Jesus Christ in me is my hope of glory (Col 1:27) and though my body still feels poorly, I continue to sense in my spirit the richness of His presence and love.

Change What?

I had a lunch with an old friend today. After we were done eating, I asked him this question, "would Christians behave the same in this country if they behaved more like missionaries?" Would we be less likely to involve ourselves in the shaping the cultural behavior of the masses? Would we be more involved with the shaping of individuals? I could be naive, but it seems to me that Jesus spent his time on teaching and developing the spiritual life of the people and not the changing of large governmental and social structures. The changes Jesus sought were not merely societal, but personal and eternal.

Changing societal behaviors has little to do with being a missionary or so it should. Missionaries introduce people to Jesus and hope they will accept and follow him. Missionaries that spend their time trying to change societal behavior will accomplish no eternal change. People do not merely need a better behavior, they need an eternal relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus-like behavior follows those who follow Jesus. Missionaries who show people mercy, grace, and acceptance will show people who Jesus is. The truth that we need Jesus will only be apparent to people who spend time with those who are like Him. Can we intervene to show mercy to those who are condemned and can we give opportunity (grace) to those who are undeserving? Jesus did, for all of us.

A Believing Heart

I read this description in the book The Real Faith, by Charles S. Price, that "faith is the flower of grace." I would add that without a deep heart felt sense of grace, mountain moving faith is near impossible. Grace, God's unmerited, unrestrained,and unwavering favor (love) towards us is foundational if we are to believe and trust God. How can we show the type of faith that would believe for a miracle if we are unsure that God is for us?

Faith is what the heart believes. If you believe in your heart and do not doubt (Mark 11:23),then our Father in Heaven will answer your prayer. It really is that simple, except our hearts are not that simple. Why would God answer my prayer? How can I believe that God is saying yes when I doubt the intention and purity of my own heart? How can I get my unbelief out of the way? How can God love me when I feel so unpure? These are doubts that compromise faith and many of these and questions like these attack the same place of belief, God's amazing grace. It is often just too good to believe, too hard to practice, and therefore twice as easy to compromise. The apostle Paul fought to preserve grace for good reasons, we have to join that fight.

It's a Start

I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I'm dismayed. I see the message of Christ's grace being lost amidst a sea of rules and positions that brings fear and stagnation instead of a climate that brings the truth of God's love to fruition. Grace by definition is "unmerited favor", and by its action and demonstration it provides the perfect climate in which truth grows. Truth is the seed, grace is the environment. Grace provides the perfect environment to encourage change, and without change we will not grow.

This journal is about grace and those forces that would hinder its expression. My hope is that you who visit here will find encouragement as we explore God's amazing grace.